plz talk dirty to me
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
even my farts smell like vagina
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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