I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
