I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
