I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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