I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
