Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
