Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
