i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
