Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
