When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
