You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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