The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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