So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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