I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Randomize
