Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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