I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
That reminds me...we need to get swords
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
