my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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