Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
