Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
MIDGETS
????
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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