i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
