ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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