last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
