just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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