Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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