Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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