I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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