You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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