time to smoke my breakfast
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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