I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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