She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
