saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
