i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
do nipples grow back?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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