Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
last night I used snow as a chaser
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