dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
