Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Floor bacon is actually really good
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
