Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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