you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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