we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
