Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
