She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
