She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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