i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
