I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
