Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
