I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
