If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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