So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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