you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My vagina just recognized that song.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
