Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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