ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
