And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
