Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
