There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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