Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
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