I murdered the dance floor call the cops
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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